She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
