Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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