thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
