Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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