I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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