the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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