If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
third nipple confirmed
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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