You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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