I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
