Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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