Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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