I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
