Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
