I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
