I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
