Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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