Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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