Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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