every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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