I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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