Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
PANTIES FOUND
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