I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
