The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
