so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
