i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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