R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
