You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
