I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
