I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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