I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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