Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
