Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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