Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
