It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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