Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
