im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
