why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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