just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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