I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
MIDGETS
????
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Drunk is a universal language darling
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