Apparently you make a good broom.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
