Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
