just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
