I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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