her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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