i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
