just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
