I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
