I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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