to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
