turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
